Dignity and Grace

Some horrible, no good, very bad things have happened to me this semester. Things that shook me, changed me, and truly hurt me. I've dealt with everything as best as I could, but a lot of the time I was really afraid that everything was falling apart. But today something great happened. Someone told me that I was handling the experience with dignity and grace.

Dignity and grace.

I've never felt more flattered. For a complete stranger to look at everything from the outside and say they admired the way I dealt with it was so completely gratifying. I truly believe that I'm becoming a stronger and better person.

I've learned to embrace and process my emotions, instead of taking the easy way and running from them. I've learned that even the ugly feelings--like pain, heartbreak, and even anger--can help me to grow. I've learned that no one else can dictate how I respond to that pain. I've learned that I care and love deeply, and that is always a good thing, even if sometimes it goes unappreciated.

I'm still pretty far from really being "okay". I still have my moments, and I probably will for a good while to come.

But I'm handling things with dignity and grace.

Hours in the Library Survival Kit

It's finals week. With two finals and a final research paper looming before me, I feel like I barely have time to eat, let alone sleep, work out, socialize, and keep up with my extensive Hulu queue. Buckling down and really focusing can be hard in my own room, what with the lure of my fluffy pink pillows and lack of anyone to make me feel guilty for being on Facebook, so I've taken to packing up my gear and staking out a spot in the library.

Getting ready to head to the Rock is a process I've been perfecting. There's nothing worse than arriving only to realize you left something crucial (like ear buds) behind.

Here's the checklist I usually run through to make sure I'm properly equipped for a long stay in the stacks.

1. Backpack: This is how you know things are serious. I usually carry a tote bag to class, but when I need to haul my laptop and several books and notebooks, it's time to break out the big guns.

2. Books & Notebooks: Currently I'm studying for Roman Art and Architecture, so that means one textbook and a whole lotta note cards. However, if I'm working on my research paper I could be hauling around a massive stack of books I'm using as sources, plus whatever notebook I'm scrawling my random thought bursts into at the moment. Sometimes I bring it all, just in case I get tired of one subject and want to switch to something else. This usually makes me cranky, since my backpack gets reallyyyy heavy.

3. Laptop: Necessary. My notes, outlines, study guides, and access to the outside world are all wrapped up in this hulking blue monstrosity. Library time is the only time I'm grateful my speakers are broken, since I don't have to worry about embarrassing noises that might disturb my fellow studiers.

4. Pens, Highlighters, Pencils, Post-Its: I'm only using a particular blue pen on my note cards for art history, and I only use pencil when taking notes from sources for my research paper. My current highlighter of choice is orange, and I'm using dark pink Post-It flags in my art history textbook, and lime green ones in my research sources. I have a system, and I don't mess with it.

5. Snacks!: So important. It's hard enough to concentrate without being hungry. Last night I had a Kashi peanut-butter/chocolate protein & fiber bar. It tasted like a terrible candy bar, but it got the job done. Today I think I'll bring along a couple of 100-calorie packs of mixed nuts.

6. Water: Also important. I'll drink coffee from the cafe in the lobby like nobody's business, but if I don't follow it up with water it gives me the most awful headache.

7. Ipod: Gotta have tunes. Must remember to charge it first though, that was a total foul on my part last night. And don't forget the ear buds!!

8. Phone, Keys & ID: Because I take these everywhere.

9. Chargers: Because it stinks when batteries die.

10. Umbrella: Because this is Providence, and you just never know.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Oh hey, Providence...looks like you and winter just can't bear to part ways.

On Sunday, it looked like spring had finally "sprung", now it's dark, cold, and drizzly again.

Maybe if I knew how to ride a bike, this would cheer me up:

 Kate Spade New York for Adeline Adeline

Spring Weekend

It's truly amazing what an effect a little sunshine and warmth can have on my spirits. I had the happiest, most carefree weekend basking in (finally!) Providence springtime and the revelry of Brown's Spring Weekend. I accidentally left my camera at home after Spring Break, so the few photos I have are probably going to be stolen from Kelly's Facebook albums.

I kicked the weekend off early by heading out to the playground with Kelly and Joanna on Thursday afternoon, where we did our best not to embarrass ourselves in front of the other children.

After a painful 2-hour shift at the Blue Room, I joined everyone else at the SPEC Carnival on the Main Green! The cotton candy, burgers, and lemonade were a wonderful experience, but Joanna and I agreed that it would be in our best interests to get mildly tipsy before next year's carnival and ride the mechanical bull.


Friday brought warm enough weather for a picnic--yay Chinese food in the bamboo garden!--and a stroll out to CVS for a few necessities and obligatory random purchases.

The bottles are cute and summery, and I've heard so much about argan oil I thought it would be great to try out a product without spending a ton of money. (These were only about $8 each, plus they were on sale!)

Essie Nail Polish in E-nuff is E-nuff is the prettiest coral-red color! I couldn't wait to get back to my room and paint my nails!

Self-tanner was obviously a necessity...no one deserves to have to see my white legs!

I didn't get tickets to the concerts, so I spent Friday night making up a Gilmore Girls drinking game with my roommates. We watched the Jess episodes. Ahh, Jess...how I swooned over you. 

I spent Saturday in bed. All day.

I really, really regret not having photos from Sunday's Dave Binder concert. Kelly is the only one responsible enough to photo-document any excursion, and sadly she didn't join Tayler, Ashley and I. It was beautiful outside and the concert was SO.MUCH.FUN. I was actually wearing shorts and not freezing! Win!

I am thoroughly pleased with the past few days' activities and am actually feeling energetic about the week to come!

Stage Life

Going from vegging out on the couch at home for a week to spending long days in class and longer nights at rehearsals was definitely a jarring experience, but I survived tech week and four performances of Gilbert and Sullivan's Princess Ida. Honestly, I think I'm happiest when I'm performing in a show. I love the process of getting ready backstage, the butterflies that creep into your stomach while you wait in the wings and totally disappear once you step onto the stage and feel the heat of the lights on your face. I think I've learned and grown a lot from this show in particular. The role itself wasn't very challenging acting-wise (there's a joke in our group that Gilbert and Sullivan characters only display 3 emotions at most) but the singing was probably the most difficult I've ever done. This was my first role as a soprano in an operetta, and for awhile I honestly didn't think I had the range for the part. But with lots of practice and thorough warm-ups (I'm such a slacker when it comes to warming up) I was completely proud of my performance in the end.

Surprisingly, singing about man being "nature's sole mistake" was not terribly difficult for me.

Starry-eyed and giggly.

I'm going to miss the cast so much, but I hope to see them at cast parties and other get-togethers throughout the rest of the semester. I'm also going to miss being onstage. Sometimes I wish that could be my life. If only I were braver...

Just In Case You Didn't Know...

I love and appreciate my wonderful friends for everything they do.

This has been the best weekend for shopping, girl talk, outfit approval via picture mail, dancing, laughing, watching TV at a "homework party", and wearing SKIRTS AND SUNGLASSES!

If only I'd remember to take my camera out of my purse every once in awhile...

Embracing Silly and Ridiculous

As a practice assignment for feature writing, my journalism teacher paired me up with another student to interview and write a piece about a moment or event that she remembered vividly. In return, I also had to share a detailed story of my own for her to write about.

While we searched for a quiet spot to sit and chat, we talked about the kind of story we wanted to tell. I knew I didn't want to tell anything sad or traumatic like our teacher had suggested, I was leaning more towards a funny anecdote with some kind of special significance.

There was one particular story that I couldn't get out of my head. I tried to push it out, not sure if it was a subject I was really ready to touch on or think about--but the more I thought about it, the happier it made me and the more I wanted to share a laugh with my classmate.

I told her the story of my first "outing" with Eddie.

It was the very beginning of our senior year and we weren't really dating yet, just sort of flirting every now and then in Rod's class. I was seventeen and had just started driving myself to school, parking in the student lot, generally rolling up like a badass everyday...but despite how cool I thought I was, I was still generally straight-laced and uptight. There were stricter rules about leaving school that year, and the security guard at the gate would only students with special permission leave. For some reason, I never had any trouble getting out even though I didn't have any legitimate business going off-campus. Usually I would just head out and bring back lunch from someplace nearby. I was so wild.

That day, Eddie and I decided we wanted McDonald's for lunch. I offered to go pick up something for both of us, but I secretly wished we could go together. We knew the security guard wouldn't let us both out, but Eddie followed me out to the parking lot anyway.

"Don't worry, I have an idea," he said.

When we got to my car, he told me to pop the trunk open. I was confused. There was nothing in my trunk...

"I'll get in and hide, and once you pass the gate you can pull into the neighborhood across the street and let me out," he explained.

Wuuuut? I had never heard anything so ridiculously stupid, or so ridiculously exciting. Giddy over how cute and funny he was, I nervously helped him into the trunk of my car and slammed it closed. It wasn't until I started the engine and pulled out of my parking space that I started to panic. What if he couldn't breathe? It was a million degrees out and the sun was beating down on me through the windows. What if he was claustrophobic? What if he passed out from the heat? The 30 seconds it took me to drive to the gate were the longest of my life.

Then, disaster. Instead of opening the gate and waving me on as he usually did, the security guard stopped me--to chat! I gripped the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white, and I could feel my nervous giggle welling up inside me. I mumbled something barely comprehensible and waved, hoping the security guard would back away from my car. Finally after what seemed like ages, he stepped back and motioned for me to drive on. I sped across the street into a nearby subdivision and leaped out of the car.

Then I ran back to the driver side door to pop the trunk open.

Eddie pushed the lid open and his face was red from heat and laughter. He asked what had taken so long as he climbed out and walked over to the passenger side. I could barely even respond, I was so relieved. We laughed the entire way to McDonald's (and most of the way back). I looked at Eddie and just liked him so much. He was fun and ridiculous and just what I needed.

Memories like this make me feel so much better. Whatever is going on now, whatever happens next, I was genuinely happy for two and a half years. Eddie helped bring me out of my shell (sometimes kicking and screaming) and helped me break some of my most stubborn habits. Sure, sneaking someone around in the trunk of a car was a stupid, childish thing to do, but the point is that I was relaxed enough to let go and just have fun. Not an easy feat for me at the time. The time we spent together was full of fun, silly things like this (though not necessarily so dangerous) and honestly, sometimes you need a little silly in your life. I certainly do.

I miss that influence of ridiculousness in my life, but I know that I'm better for having once had it. I like to think I'm at the point where I can embrace being silly and ridiculous all by myself.